Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

I don’t think I want to cook again anytime soon. It was hard on me. I realize how messed up my back actually is when I try to do something strenuous. The pain is excruciating. It’s hot, and I need help, or I panic, and it’s just plain miserable for me. I don’t like it anymore.
Cooking used to be just one more thing I “USED TO LOVE” that’s fallen by the wayside. I used to love a lot of things, and now such a limited selection of things amuse me. Television, movies, music, video games, YouTube, Social Media, and sometimes reading. I used to paint, and write, and carve, and do things with my hands. What happened to being creative?
I miss that. I want that. I want to build something tangible that I can touch and feel, and show to people. I want to let the demons out, the pain out, but it’s stuck in here with me, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m numb and hollow, and I feel nothing anymore. I feel things, but I don’t know if those feelings are real, or some selfish need for attention. Is it love or is it a cry for help, look at me, I’m needy. I’m confused by my own feelings and thoughts. I just feel like a husk these days, going through the motions like my soul is almost completely drained out of me. Like I’m dead already..¬†That’s why all these holidays and traditions don’t mean anything to me anymore. Nothing means anything to me anymore. I’m broken, and I don’t know what it’s going to take to fix me.
Love? Real love with a person who’s whole, and can teach me how to live again? I don’t know. I can’t wait on someone else to save me. I have to be happy in the now, and I feel a sort of happiness. I smile, and I laugh, and I fake it. I go with the flow, and I don’t complain about it all. I find the good in everybody and everything. I am content with the cards I’ve been dealt. Yet I still feel this void within me, yearning, longing for something that’s missing.
Back to Thanksgiving, and cooking.. the thing I once loved, and now loathe. Perhaps it’s because if I cook I go overboard, and cook too much food, and overeat. Perhaps it truly is because of the pain I’m in, and I fear that pain. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Christmas is coming, and I’m going to think about doing my stuffing again, but I don’t think I’ll do it this time out. If I do, I will do it in advance, so I’m not feeling so stressed out.¬† I’m sure it will be fine. Not as many people are coming this time, either.
Anyway, I’m happy. I’m hanging in there, and that’s all that matters.
Happy Thanksgiving.