I used to love to carve the pumpkins. Halloween doesn’t mean the same thing to me anymore. My YouNow folks want me to dress up for Halloween, but I don’t think I will. It’s sad how little I care about all the Holiday traditions I once cared so much about. We’ll at least have candy out for the kiddies. They usually come here.
When I was a kid we put a cardboard skeleton on the door, hung a ghost in the magnolia tree, lit up this crazy bull skull my granddaddy wired up with lights and painted to look scary AF, and did all the things one would do to make your house spooky and welcoming to kids for Halloween. We rarely got many kids, because our house was facing the highway part of the neighboring subdivisions I grew up in. There was a North and Southside split in the middle by a highway. I lived on the Southside.
We celebrated all the Holidays and I remember them fondly. Easter dresses, with Easter Lillies, painted eggs, and the hunt. The big Thanksgiving feast with all the family gathered around the table. Christmas time with bonfires, singing carols, the Nutcracker on TV, or It’s a Wonderful Life. Christmas Dinner, Santa and trying so hard to go to sleep, but listening for sleigh bells till the wee hours, cookies and milk. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I have the best memories of Christmas time with my family.
I don’t know why none of this matters to me anymore. It’s like these things were just for the children. I celebrated Holidays with my ex-husband before and after we had children. He was like a kid in a candy store when Christmas or Halloween came around. He wasn’t a bad guy. Neither of my past lovers were bad guys. I hate when people make them out to be bad. I was just as much to blame for anything that went down as they were.
The difference between Walter and Tommy is that Walter loved Holidays, and Tommy hated them.. so I never celebrated Holidays with Tommy, and got out of the habit. It was just me and him, no kids, so why bother? It just became normal for me to let those days roll by without a thought sometimes, but mostly I’d have a nice big meal to celebrate. A big Easter dinner, a Christmas dinner, a Thanksgiving feast.. and there were always leftovers to pick at for the next week which was nice.
Now Tommy is with Susan and she loves to celebrate Holidays too… so it’s two against one. Things could get interesting around here. If I can pull myself out of my general funk, and malaise..and my simple state of not giving a fuck, maybe it’ll feel like a family Holiday again.
I already feel like they are my family, now..and I also have my kids back in my life, and God willing I’ll be able to visit them soon. I hope around the Holidays. I’m praying Mary and the kids get in a place of their own so I have a somewhere to go visit. If not I’ll stay in a motel for the time I’m there. Whatever I have to do, I want to hug my babies by Christmas.